Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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