i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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