Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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