I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize