FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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