I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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