I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
high people should be assigned attendants
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
