hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
porn star boner night. come get it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You pole danced in your parka.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
