I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
