he wants to bone in the snuggie
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
