I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
