i don't like sucking hair
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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