she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Help. Why am I so naked?
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