I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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