Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
