I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
