I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
