she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
