This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
did i just pee glitter
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
