There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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