if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
