woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
