i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
