I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
