Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
