dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
