No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
