smell my finger.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
