so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
