so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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