I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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