I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
