Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
