Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
