we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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