you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
