i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
