I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
