Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
