his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize