I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
