i'm signing you up for texting rehab
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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