I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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