i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
