White coat. Heels.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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