i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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