her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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