I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize