At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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