its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
not ubering you a puppy
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
