i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
