Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
