just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
