woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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