I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
